Logic flow errors
Have a read of this paragraph
Walking up the passageway, Tina’s reflection seemed pale, stark even, in the fluoro-lit mirror stuck to the last cabin door. When she entered the dining room, she had to throw a hand up against the wall as the ship swayed and almost tripped over her own feet. From a table near a window, Michelle looked up as she placed a hand on her shoulder.
At first glance, this might read okay. It gets the action across, albeit a bit awkwardly. But if you left the paragraph as is, there would be a niggle in the reader’s brain, telling them something wasn’t quite right. You don’t want that. You want the reader to glide through your prose, immersing themselves in the scene, rather than be distracted by poor writing.
Let’s pull apart the issues.
Sentence 1
Walking up the hall, Tina’s reflection seemed pale, stark even, in the fluoro-lit mirror stuck to the last cabin door.
This sentence has two issues:
a) A grammatical error called a modifier error (read more about modifier errors). The sentence is missing a subject (the person doing the action), so the phrase walking up the hall applies to her reflection, rather than the character. How to fix this? One answer would be to rewrite the sentence, adding in the character’s name or their pronoun – As she/Tina walked up hall …
b) The second error is logic – the character can’t physically look in the mirror stuck to the last cabin while she’s walking up the hall. This means the scene needs to be rewritten to first show the character walking up the hall, then stopping to look in the mirror on the last cabin door.
Sentence 2
When she entered the dining room, she had to throw a hand up against the wall as the ship swayed and almost tripped over her own feet.
Again, the logic issue is a modifier error – the sentence reads as if the ship tripped over Tina’s feet. By re-ordering the flow of the syntax, you can make the action clearer:
As she entered the dining room, the ship swayed. Tina threw a hand up against the wall for support, almost tripping over her own feet.
Sentence 3
From a table near a window, Michelle, looked up as she placed a hand on her shoulder.
We have two more logic issues here:
a) Ambiguity of pronouns: Who is putting whose hand on whose shoulder?
b) How can either character put their hand on the other character’s shoulder from across the room? i.e. We haven’t seen Tina actually move across to her friend.
A rewrite might look like: She found Michelle sitting at a table under a window. Her friend looked up as Tina placed her hand on her shoulder.
It might seem a little heavy-handed to keep mentioning character’s names, but sometimes it’s necessary for clarity.
Next month: Authorial intrusion – when an author can’t help showing off their own vocabulary instead of using authentic language for their characters.
